


The Rest of My Life

by castledfranks



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Basically what should have happened, F/M, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 05:54:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12524480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castledfranks/pseuds/castledfranks
Summary: Jay knows he can't live with out Erin... and he's tired of not being with her.





	The Rest of My Life

**Author's Note:**

> I'm real bitter about Lindsay's departure and I absolutely hate that I won't be able to see my favorite couple together anymore. In fact I'm in deep denial that it's the end so I'm just writing tons of stuff to cope...

Jay shifted his sleeping position on the floor for fifth time in the last hour, careful not to wake his brother, who was fast asleep and snoring on Natalie’s couch. Even though he was utterly exhausted, he couldn’t conk out for the life of him, and had resorted to counting the popcorn on the ceiling.

His last conversation with Erin kept cycling in his mind on a loop, and the whole thing bothered him for so many reasons – most of all the look on her face as she walked away from him in the break room when he told her he needed more time. He didn’t often see her cry, and when he did, it twisted him up inside. He knew just how much it took to get her to that state of emotional turmoil as she was never one to offer up her feelings; she hated being vulnerable. Now, being the one to bring her to tears, Jay felt downright ill, and all hopes of shedding that feeling had slowly slipped away after cycle 65.

His head was pounding: what the hell was he even doing? He didn’t need time to know where his heart truly lies. He didn’t love Abby, not in the slightest – no that wasn’t what this was about. Did he really think Erin couldn’t handle the effects the war had on him? He of all people knew she was strong enough to carry the weight of anything he had to offer.

No, what really scared him was the nightmares. He thought he had a handle on them but they were getting worse. Soon, he’d wake up screaming, or worse, trying to strangle her. That’s what he was afraid of.

That’s why he was pushing her away.

For whatever reason, though, he felt he couldn’t tell her that, and that baffled him. He’d shared so much about his past with her – more than he’d shared with any other woman before… even Abby. Jay had shown her vulnerability, but the thought of her watching him deteriorate, watching him become consumed by his terror… it wasn’t something he ever wanted to put her through, no matter how strong she was.

A small bump drew his attention away from the ceiling as he shot up from his position on the floor. The bump was followed by a soft, feminine curse, and a low light began to shine from the kitchen. Natalie must have been awake.

Jay tiptoed towards the kitchen, careful not to startle her. When she saw him, she jumped backwards, nearly dropping the carton of milk in her hand.

He smiled as he reached the top shelf and pulled down two glasses. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you,” he whispered.

“What are you doing up?” she questioned in a hushed tone, carefully removing a small pot from the cabinet below her and placing it quietly on the stove. “Is Will snoring again?”

Jay laughed and leaned against the counter, folding his arms across his chest. “Yeah, but that doesn’t bother me. Growing up sharing a room with him, I got used to it.”

Natalie poured some milk into the pot and turned on the flame. “So this is about Erin then?” she said, not bothering to face him.

Jay watched silently, entranced as she swirled the milk in the pot before filling each glass halfway.

Natalie handed him the glass and leaned against the counter opposite him. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He shrugged and took a small sip, wincing as the liquid burned the back of his throat. “I’m just… dealing with some stuff from the past. I don’t want to tangle her up in it.”

Natalie wiped away a small milk mustache that lingered on his growing stubble and brushed her thumb on the side of her pants. “Doesn’t sound like a good enough reason for walking away.”

“I’m just trying to protect her.”

“Ah,” she sighed. “How long have you been suffering from PTSD?” She laughed at the baffled expression on his face. “Come on. I recognize the signs. Jeff went through it too after his first tour.”

“And how did you cope?”

“Well for one, I never once thought about walking away; not even through the worst of it.”

Her statement was pointed and Jay appreciated her honesty, even if he didn’t like being reprimanded. He was surprised they’d grown closer as friends, even amidst the drama between Will and Nina. She’d proven to be a good friend, and he was grateful for her feminine perspective. He knew how much his brother really did love Natalie, and it was only a matter of time before they made their way back to one another. Jay wanted her to feel welcomed, and this was his way of showing he approved of her presence in Will’s life.

“He gave me an out and I didn’t take it,” she continued, pulling him from his thoughts. “Honestly Jay, all I had to do was look at my life with him and without him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. To be fair, you haven’t offered her that same opportunity.”

He smiled and nodded quietly. She had him there. He had no idea how Erin felt, and hadn’t even taken the time to ask.

She wrapped her hands tightly around her glass and let the steam tickle her nostrils. “Don’t get me wrong: it was rough. There were days I wasn’t sure how to help him and it hurt me in ways you can’t imagine. But at the end of the day, what we had? It was strong enough to outlast his demons. And I thank God for that because he told me he would never had survived if I hadn’t been there with him every step of the way.”

Jay licked his lips and rubbed the stubble on his chin. He knew he couldn’t be without Erin, knew that she and she alone had gotten him through some of his worst moments since being back from Afghanistan. So what was he running from now?

“I’m just… afraid I’ll hurt her.” The admission hit them both like a ton of bricks. He stepped back, as if winded by a kick to the stomach his words gave.

Natalie widened her eyes and set her mug down on the counter. “Physically?”

Jay rolled his eyes. “I’d never do it on purpose, but I’ve been having these nightmares. What if in the middle of the night I start choking her out because I think I’m back in the desert fighting for my life?” He dipped his finger in his cup and swirled it around, desperate to avoid eye contact with her. “I’m scared I’m going to wake up and she’ll be dead by my hand.”

Natalie shook her head and chuckled. “Do you honestly think Erin wouldn’t kick your ass awake?”

He laughed too. “I know what you’re trying to say, but…”

“No buts,” she cut in. “Erin knows you, Jay. She knows your demons and she knows your light. And she loves you for all that you are, baggage included. Don’t second guess that. Don’t think about all the what-ifs. You can’t control every moment and every dream. But you can trust in your own instincts. Trust that you would snap yourself out of it because your love for her outweighs any nightmare. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.” She placed her glass in the sink and started back towards her bedroom, stopping to rest a hand on his arm. “Remember that, okay?” She placed her palm against his cheek and stroked gently as his eyes closed.

When he opened them, she was gone. He glanced up at the clock. It was 3 in the morning, and he had to be up in two hours, but there was no way he could fall asleep now.

He had to see her.

****

Erin rubbed her eyes and clutched her gun low at her hip, walking quietly to her front door. She glanced through the peephole to find Jay staring at the floor, banging his fist over and over again.

She rolled her eyes as she opened the door, shielding her eyes from the brightness of the hallway with the gun still in her hand. “Jesus, Jay,” she huffed, stepping aside so he could enter. She dropped the gun on the hallway table and locked the door behind them.

“I know,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets and stalking towards the oversized living room window on the other end of the room. “I know it’s late and I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sleep.”

He stared out over the city horizon, taking in the beauty of the Sears Tower lit up against the stark, black night. After a few long moments of silence, he finally swung around to face her, and tears clouded his vision. “Erin, I’m so sorry for walking out on us. It was wrong and it was stupid and the second I left I knew that instead of trusting in us, I was letting my fear govern my decisions.”

She crossed her arms defensively over her chest. “Jay, you don’t have to…”

“I do,” he cut in. “Look, you have to know that this whole stupid thing had nothing to do with Abby.”

She sighed. “Then what did it have to do with?”

He remained quiet and bit his lip. He stared at his boots and watched as a tear left his eye and splattered on the top of the black leather. Wiping at his lids, he stared up at the ceiling and tried to get a hold of his emotions.

“Jay,” she said as she stepped towards him and rested her hand on his forearm in an attempt to calm him. “You want me to believe you trust in us? Tell me what’s going on.”

“I…I’ve been having nightmares.” Even in the pitch black of night, he refused to look at her, but he already knew what she was thinking. “I think I’ve got PTSD.”

Erin let out the breath she was holding and instinctively wrapped her arms around his back, pushing his head into the crook of her neck. In a matter of moments, she felt his tears unleash as they tickled the skin on her collarbone. His entire body heaved, and she gently rubbed circles on his back and quietly soaked up all the emotion that was roiling off his body. She shushed him. "Hey, we'll get through this. You and me, okay?"

When he looked up at her, she couldn’t help but crash her lips into his, her own tears glimmering against her cheeks.

He hugged her tightly again before pulling away and gathering his composure, wiping away the moisture under his nose and shoving his hand into his pocket. His eyes remained trained on the ground below him as his fingers fumbled around inside. “You know,” he murmured, taking a small step backwards and forcing her to follow him into the light. “I’ve been hangin’ onto this thing for months, waiting for the right time to do this.” He dropped to a knee and looked up at her through glistening eyes. “But we haven’t been very traditional, have we?” He smiled and cocked his head to the side as he presented her with the ring he’d picked out with Voight almost six months ago.

Erin audibly gasped and brought both her hands to her mouth as she surveyed the gorgeous diamond tucked comfortably in the cushion. A smile square cut with a thin band: something she’d always told Voight she wanted when she was ready for “normal.”

“Voight helped me pick it out,” he murmured, as if reading her thoughts.

She laughed. “Really?” she said through tears.

He nodded. The day he knew he really wanted to spend forever with her, he marched into Voight’s office and laid it all on the line. He expected his Sergeant to throw him out of his office, out of the unit, hell - throw him out on the street and beat him to a bloody pulp and tell him never to come near Erin again.

But the hard-ass surprised him. Instead of snapping, he simply stood from his seat and quietly shook Jay’s hand before pulling him into a hug that told Jay he was welcome in the Voight clan… what was left of it.

“You don’t have to do this,” Erin breathed, so softly he almost missed it. “I forgive you.”

“That is so not what this is about and you know it,” he said calmly, taking the ring from the box and holding it out in front of him with the same care and caution as he held his heart out for her. “From the moment I joined this unit, I knew this is where we’d end up. That kind of undeniable chemistry… you don’t get over that, you don’t deny that for too long. You can’t. God knows I tried, for the sake of my own ass.”

Erin smiled, reminiscing about the day when Voight made it clear to Jay that Erin was off limits or he lost his job.

“Everything we’ve been through – losing Nadia, dealing with Voight, the drugs, the jobs, this right now with me and the PTSD – ALL of it has been worth it. It’s been worth every ounce of pain and heartbreak because for me, there is no being without you. I can confidently tell you that you’re it for me, Erin. I’ve haven’t been all in on anything in my life since Afghanistan, but I’m all in with you. For good, for bad, for worse. Whatever it is, I want it all because I want you forever. Just you. So please, for God’s sake, say you’ll marry me because my knee is really starting to kill.”

She laughed and let him slip the ring on her finger, and when he got to his feet, she all but launched herself into his arms, pressing her lips against him and kissing him with a passion she never knew existed inside her. As she inhaled his familiar scent – sandalwood and leather with just a hint of gunpowder – she squeezed him tightly with the intent of never letting go.

The truth was, Erin never felt safer than when she was in his arms, and accepting his proposal was the easiest thing she had ever done, regardless of how terrified of marriage she was.

She wiped her eyes as he pulled back to look at her, tucking her hair behind her ears and gently brushing his fingertips across her tear-stained cheek. She couldn’t help but smile and roll her lips together, feeling the sensation that his left behind. Taking a deep breath, she ran her hand down his arm and gripped his fingers tightly in hers. “I love you,” she whispered through shaky breath. “Part of me thinks I’ve always loved you, even when you were the fresh new rookie who complained about driving.”

His chuckle warmed her body and she leaned further into him, squeezing his hand. “You know me so well, better than anyone really. And I know how hard it must have been for you to even think about asking me to marry you.”

“You have made your stance on marriage pretty clear, and with Bunny’s track record, I didn’t blame you,” he answered, and she nodded.

“Truth is, Jay, it was a cop out; the thought of getting close to ANYONE… close enough that they saw the real me… that’s what scared me. Because the real me was street trash who was one needle away from death before Voight. I mean, God, my demons are messy as hell and to you, they didn’t matter at all. You didn’t even blink.”

Wiping her eyes again with the back of her hand, he raised her hand to his face and rubbed the fresh stubble that littered his cheek. “When we got together, for the first time, I didn’t feel like street trash. I felt worthy: of respect and of love. And you never judged me for my past… not once. I knew that no matter what, I could always count on you to pull my head up when I was sinking and keep me on the track I was meant to be on. You have been supportive when I’ve need support, firm when I needed direction, and forgiving when I needed redemption. Through all of that, you’ve showed me time and again that I can trust you implicitly with my feelings… and my life. But most importantly, you have showered me with the kind of love I need – one born of mutual admiration, respect, and patience. Not a day goes by where I don’t wake up and instantly remind myself of how lucky I am to have you.”

Jay smiled and looked at his feet, his cheeks reddening. He raised his gaze again to meet hers and kissed her gently as his hands tangled in her hair. When he pulled back, he kept his eyes closed and pressed his lips to her nose. “Mrs. Erin Halstead,” he whispered, laughing as he felt her tiny fist press into his ribs.

“You better believe it,” she gushed as she let him pull her down onto the couch.

He draped her legs over his lap and kept her newly occupied ring finger in his hand. His fingers twirled the diamond around and around, getting used to the feeling on having it finally resting on her finger.

“So Voight really helped you pick out this ring?”

He shrugged, keeping his eyes on her finger. “I chose the setting and everything. He just gave his stamp of approval.”

She cocked a brow and ran her hand over his hair. “Interesting turn of events.”

He pinned her hand between his head and the couch cushions, nuzzling his face into her touch. “I thought for sure my life was over when I asked him for his blessing. I even went into his office in a bulletproof vest!”

Erin laughed. “You know, you didn’t need to get his blessing.”

“Yes I did,” he said, flipping her hand over and tracing circles in her palm. He knew she loved it when he did that; it calmed her. “I know how important he is to you, Erin. Like it or not, he’s family. And between the two of us, we don’t have a lot of that left. I want him to be a part of this for you since I know your mother won’t be.”

“Look at you,” she cooed. “Being nice to Voight. Didn’t know you had it in you.”

Jay rolled his eyes and squeezed her hand. “The things I’d do for you…”

“Because you love me so much?”

He leaned towards her and kissed her. “Don’t ever forget it.”


End file.
